Autumn.

“I trusted you implicitly.” 

This was our season. So you, thoughts of you have been visiting since the temperature dropped. It’s the time I miss you most. Miss our friendship. I haven’t grieved us yet. 20 years of friendship.

20 years. You were family. I feel squelchy leaves beneath my feet and it makes me think of you. It hurts.

It was the ease.

It was the trust. 

But you know, I guess maybe that was just mine ? 

I didn’t question whether it was the same for you, just assumed it was reciprocal. Assumed the connection, going the other way. Was just as important, just as special. 

Just as taken for granted, as reliable, as unquestionable.

I suppose I knew that it wasn’t true for those last few months. Guess I felt it. I don’t guess. I know. 

There were things that hurt so much I did wonder. I did question- whether you even liked me anymore, let alone loved our friendship. I had an overwhelming sense that I had let you down by becoming uninstagram worthy. 

I was sad. I was fat. 

Guess I would disappoint you even more now. 

I got tired of hearing that winning the lottery was going to change your life- instead of you doing it anyway. You stopped talking to me about anything real. 

I guess I started to annoy you with my nagging about accountability. About wishing you would do the work, see a therapist. Instead of talking about how money would change everything. About how you couldn’t do it otherwise. It made me sad, it pissed me the fuck off. 

The complaining with no action. 

Because I believed in your power to create your own happiness. 

There are things I wish I could talk to you about. 

There are walks that aren’t the same without you. 

But I don’t think you felt you did very much wrong. 

And I feel. I felt. Thrown away. Discarded. 

In the lack of communication. The lack of honesty. 

The loss. 

So I go on missing you. Knowing you don’t look for me.

And I try with all my might 

To let you go.