Coping.

When you were barely awake 

I could fill in the gaps, where your 

Uncomfortable, self-righteousness would rest

On things like the ”virus”. Or, the fact

You left without saying goodbye. 

I could imagine you changed.

But how could you change?

Even though you’re softer these days.

The paranoid but oh, 

So well researched views you tell me 

Everyone can find if they look 

For them get in the way of connection, 

Just when I start to hope. 

You’re right. 

You can find evidence for anything 

If you just look hard enough

Just want it enough. 

Your safety net against everything. 

Born from all the shit you’ve had

Dealt in your hand. Or the cards

You’ve taken in order to cut 

Yourself off. 

Choices you made. I try, not to

Make excuses. Because your choices, 

Gave me gifts I didn’t ask for. Yet, 

I love you unconditionally, 

Because I know you’re not a bad person.

Even if you’ve been a god-awful father. 

It’s not so crazy that I feared 

You being able to speak.

I resist the urge to grab for bricks

To build a wall I no longer need.

Fashioning something more malleable

So that I can feel things and I 

Can listen while you are going through this

Fucking shitty experience. So I can, 

Better ascertain the time to be silent 

And the time to leave. As I feel when,

My heart starts to drop. 

Now is not the time 

To fight you on your entire life’s work 

Of coping mechanisms. 

That may never be.