If I reach the sea in time / The Ache.

I wonder if everything will just be okay,

If I reach the sea in time. 

If I just leave the house everyday. 

If I just keep moving. Keep moving and never stop. 

I’m struggling to read again, so 

I’m listening to Glennon Doyle’s “Untamed”

(because I wanted to know what all the fuss was about)

She’s talking

About “the ache”. 

Waiting, hoping. Willing her to speed to a conclusion. 

That she knows how to take it away. 

I see the sea at the end of the street. 

I know there’s no answer. I know that. 

The ache just goes on aching. I feel it. 

The ugly angry tears waiting behind my eyeballs. 

The pressure. I squish my lips together

But a trickle escapes. 

I want everything she is saying to be bullshit.

I want not to feel like I should be able to control.

Things that are more than myself. 

Do you ever think about the deep sadness that exists

In all things, if you think about it enough? 

Everything. 

It can soften, but it’s always there 

The awful, beautiful fucking aching 

In my sensitive fucking heart. 

Even at the very lightest I ever feel -though not now.

Not in this moment. 

It will hold me, the fragility of all of it 

Is what makes it so beautiful.

What makes it ache, so damn

Deliciously. 

I love it, but also

I fucking hate it. 

But is that only because of being taught

That what I was, was wrong? 

Intrinsically in me, a wrongness. 

Sensitivity seeping out of my pores.

Embarrassingly, shamefully

Unable to hide it. 

My brother once told me I had to lower

My expectations, because 

No one was ever going to be able 

To live up to them. 

But, isn’t it funny? I just accepted 

The wrongness in me instead 

Of purging it out. I cloaked myself.

To keep my sensitivity in, 

And everyone else out.

It was more important. 

(It didn’t fucking work) 

But I’m way beyond the belief that

I’m “too sensitive” 

But when I hear Doyle talking about the ache.

I feel somehow more and less alone at the same time. 

“This is meant to hurt. This would make anyone hurt”

I find myself defending how I feel right now, 

(To myself)

In this situation- it’s normal? 

It’s not extra, not peculiar. 

To be completely fucking shattered. 

But I still hold it in. 

Because.

Somehow. It still feels like I 

Am just too much. 

Even now. 

As I reach the sea.