Because I was

The heartbreak that this could end without us really understanding each other. 

Understand how we got here. 

To this state of brokenness. 

Is too much to bear. Too much to lose. 

But how do we go any other way?

When our sights seem so far apart.

All my peace is gone.

In truth, I can’t remember how long ago 

I felt it. But I keep on, 

Remembering the ease we had at first, 

When people in our presence together 

Would say that calm surrounded us.

Perhaps it was an illusion? 

Because we hadn’t touched on the truth yet.

Everything felt idyllic, 

But perhaps it wasn’t real.

Because we were existing in a dream. 

A dream so beautiful I didn’t want to see it 

For what it truly was ?

And now, what can be healed? 

When it is our souls that don’t seem 

To look at the world the same way.

I can no more expect you to bend to fit 

Into what I want, than you can me.

But that’s what I have been attempting all this time 

To bend, to break. To pray that we are still

Viable. Forever. 

Part of me wishes we had let it happen,  

So long ago.

When we saw the path diverging. 

The anxiety. The fights, the fear and the pain.

Oh the magnitude of the pain

It ripped through me but I would not

Could not 

Even entertain the idea that we were not…

Not meant for each other.

In my bones

In my flesh.

But here again, as always 

I speak as a dreamer, straight out of my heart

Not my head,

Never my head.

You. I longed for you 

To come back to me

But I lost my grip.

All of the waiting.

All of that patience 

Wasted.

It seems.

I found myself so often questioning 

Whether you wanted me at all 

Because you never showed your heart

Never showed any signs

That you struggled, as I struggled 

I felt like I was drowning.

And all the while, you told me

I just had to be patient 

Patient 

Patient 

Patient 

And where are we now, 

After all of that longing.

The yearning for closeness 

The missing of touch.

The emptiness that slowly dissolved me

Over years.

Years, baby. 

I felt flawed.

Too anxious 

Too immodest 

Too much of everything that

Was always the reason that we

Could not move forward 

Because I was 

Because I was 

So many things, 

And all of them painfully, 

Awfully, hideously 

Wrong.