Please.

I'm letting all my plants die again. 

I never saw this coming, never imagined it. Floating along as though life has stood still. 

As though -this- this present that I live in is somehow separate from the lives of others. The people that I have loved, but feel distant or disconnected from. 

Honestly. I ponder if that’s the right terminology because I struggle to remember a time when that connection existed. I don’t know what it feels like. 

As though one day, someday...when I fix all these cracks, all these failings, all this - all this, 

Shit that I think matters. That I thought I needed to live through over and over and over. 

That there they will be, as though no time has passed for them. 

As though I have not missed their lives as they have been ticking by. 

I’ve missed so much

This obsession. 

Endless healing. 

A couple of months of shifting thought. 

Of seeing how jammed my method of healing had become. So as not to be healing at all.

Regurgitating the past. Over and over.

Stuck. Twisting the knife.

I feel so separate.

A dark mass. 

A....dark. mass. 

It feels like the walls are caving in.

Turn the lights on. Don't sit there in the darkness.

In my head I picture this cloud, hovering on his chest.

I don't know what to say, how to feel

How to face it. 

I don't want to.

So I don't. 

Not yet. 

I thought we would have time. 

I thought, I thought that one day 

I would build the courage to reach out for you. 

And we could change history. 

Make all of the hereditary failings disappear.  

I thought that finally I would know who you are.

Instead of being this false only child.

Running from connection.

Avoiding rejection.

Over and over and over.

I was so afraid that I wouldn't be able to fix it all.

Between myself and dad "before it was too late"

Yet here I am terrified it's you I'm going to lose first.

It can't be.

It can't 

It can't

I always believed it was you they loved not me.

More and most of all.

But I don't care. 

I would rather a lack of love, than the loss of you.