The Beginning.

I wonder whether this is it.
The beginning of the answer. The beginning of the end of that...
That monthly fear. All these things I’ve gathered.
This arsenal.
I hope. I hope. I hope.
The dark cloud that appears from nothing,
and looms heavy in the corner of my vision for a week.
As though maybe, just maybe it won’t advance any closer.
Perhaps this month will be okay. I will be okay.
Let me be okay.
I cannot save myself with only hope and mindfulness.
The cloud descends. And it’s too late.
I’m lost. I’m gone.
I’m swallowed whole.
One day. two days. Three sometimes.

I disappear.
In the fog.
But the fog,...
Is so heavy I feel
I’m wearing chain mail.
That protects me from nothing
Least of all my self.

Just getting up
Expends all my energy.
It’s the catatonia of depression, but
I didn’t have depression yesterday
Last week, last night
I feel like my body has been immersed in concrete
That slowly dries,
And waits for me to crack.

“Leave the house”
I cannot leave the house.
“Please leave the house”
I plead with this.This demon. But
I stay. I stay and am swallowed
By this lethargic darkness.
I cannot see myself.
I cannot see my love.
Everything I knew yesterday
Is gone.

And then, just like that
Light blinds me.
The cycle begins again.
And the ghoul leaves me cramped
As it goes just as suddenly as it came.

I pick up the shattered pieces.
And hope that next month
Doesn’t break me.
Break everything.

But I wonder, if this is it.
The beginning of the answer.
The beginning of the end
Of all this God damned fear.