He's Never There.

Sometimes, the smallest of things can take you down when you least expect it. You think you have resolved an issue- in some way at least...and yet there it is once more...staring you in the face.
The smallest of things...
A word or turn of phrase, a familiar look on a strangers face. And all of a sudden, the world is spinning.
A haunting of sorts.
I feel in my flesh, the hurt I imagine my Father feels. The loss. I do not allow myself to wipe him out.
How could I? I want to believe that one day he'll...
When something hurts so much, that you cannot even feel anymore...when what you feel has no way of description...no name...
What can you do?
Suddenly the world becomes too loud and too fast. And yet frozen all at once.
Everything moving out of time.
Incomprehensible...that there cannot be an answer, that if all things were aligned in the perfect way maybe...
Somehow...
I see him, all over the place...on train platforms, passing in the street...
But it's never him when I look again.
He's never there.