when nothing is broken

Sometimes I long for these lonely nights. the melancholy playlist, the empty night that used to fill me up and make me feel more worthy than any happiness ever has. I'm all about worth- it's those morals again...
Sometimes I wonder how long this can last, before I finally give in and destroy it- so that I can slink back to my precious old ways...I feel like I am never myself. and I feel a guilty nostalgia for darker times.

I don't know how to exist without sabotage. the urge to rip everything to shreds is too great.
I have this imaginary life in my head.it's been my escape,my secret, for as long as I can remember. It's how I keep myself at a distance. Safe. I lie in bed, pretending I'm asleep just so I can go there and be far away from anything real. Good or bad, it doesn't matter - take me away from it all. I act as though none of it is really mine - let me close my eyes so I can't see all of this reality.
let me alone with my dirty mind, and without my stifling judgement.Singing until my lungs hurt and my voice is hoarse. maybe I'm one of the only people who uses their voice more when alone than with other people.
completely cuckoo.