I decline this weakness.

the world is a little grey.and I am pretending not to be scared.
tired and exhausted shades begin to layer between me and the outside.I cannot stand the cold.
if I stay here,where it is warm I do not have to accept my own fragility.I am strong.I am strong.

I must be strong.don't make me go outside where I am faced with my weakness.
where I must make polite conversation.where I must smile, or put up with listening to "cheer up darlin' it might never happen" and other such intelligence.

breathing is laboured,the heaving of my chest wears me out and knocks me down.
I sigh out loud without the time to catch myself.each time I let out a breath.
...
each time I let out breath, I hope that tears don't escape.

one side of me wants to scream, fall down.give up...give up.
the other, the other pretends.and is exhausted.

I wish it was acceptable to be sad. to cry in front of others if that is what you need.